Shawn: Why do I do this to myself?

I feel solo right now. I know the world around me is changing and my thoughts and how i view the world are changing as well. I just want everything to slow down, i want to take it all in, understand it all and savor the moment.

I had an extremely frustrating evening in Lima tonight. Does what I do matter? Duh, of course it does, but at the same time I feel stranded. I'm the only one driving over a hundred miles twice a week, dealing and talking to youth about the issues that face them and shouldering their burdens with them. (I ask for no sympathy). I see the disparaging situations they face and am saddened that the only reasons many of them come to the youth events are for food or to get away from an abusive family lifestyle. Does what I say matter to them at all? Does my helping them with their burdens make any significant difference in their lives? Or am I simply wasting time?

I almost envy the students that are here for social hour. And the piece of paper they'll receive in 4 years with minimal effort and parties every weekend. I would enjoy not having the added stresses of Lima, attempting to stay above a 3.6, and continue to keep up valuable friendships and be a respected member of our community, but I am struggling this week especially (midterms week, the week before spring break) with finding peace, sleep and time to simply be.

Then there's Zac. Zac is one of my kids from YL and is now a regular on campus Monday nights after club. I have no clue where the kid is spiritually, but I am truly blessed to be able to spend time with him and invest in his life. Zac's one of those kids who is easy to befriend and almost everyone loves to be around. He usually knows what to do to put a smile on your face and, as a sophmore in hs, already has a heart for the needy and broken around him. Its kids like him that are the reason I sacrifice myself and drain myself. In the end it will be totally worth it. I just hope that something I say in the 4 years I have to spend with Zac and other students will resonate and that a positive change deep inside them will occur.